My psychological problems, broadly defined, become acute when I’m tired, or when other life events cause me to be sad. How I feel at EF strongly mirrors how I felt at FABRIC (rat camp): the first few days (week in the case of the former) are great! So exciting! Cool people working on cool things!
But this gives way to negative feelings of “impostor syndrome” (it’s not quite a feeling of being an impostor, more just a feeling of personal inadequacy relative to peers). At EF, this is the sense that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, that I have so much to learn, that I’m doing a bad job I know this is natural in a new job but it feels particularly acute in a job that really matters to me – where I really want to do a good job.
As above, I note that my negative feelings come and go, correlating with things like tiredness, and I overindex/extrapolate unduly from negative events like one meeting going badly/someone giving me some criticism.1
Everyone is a multidimensional person: they all have cares, thoughts, desires and abilities along many, many axes. Obviously, each person can only see themselves along all of these dimensions (and even then, often not that clearly) – when it comes to everyone else other than themselves, they only see a small subset of those dimensions. It’s like the classic analogy of social media showing you only the highlight reel of everyone else’s lives, while you see the entire film of your own life – but I’m applying it to the whole range of human desires, drives, abilities, etc., rather than just lived experiences.
Maybe that’s too abstract (sorry I often talk in the abstract), so let me make it concrete. At FABRIC, several “values” (using the term loosely) are either deliberately or circumstantially made much more prominent than others: mathematical ability; knowledge of pertinent/in-vogue topics like AGI, philosophy, etc.; and agency. Similarly, at EF, the emphasised values are agency; “startuppiness”; creativity; side projects; and an ability to successfully “convert” talented individuals to EF (if you are a talent investor).
When such values are made prominent, and implicitly or explicitly rewarded, you naturally start to evaluate your acquaintances through the lens of those values over any others. This is in the same way that you mostly evaluate professional athletes based on their athletic ability rather than along any other dimension (though they, like everyone else, are multifaceted/multidimensional people with aims, desires, and abilities along a huge number of axes).
At many jobs, work is important, yes, and it needs to be done (and done well). But the degree to which “work”/“work values” are prioritised vary. At FABRIC and EF, the prioritised values are very prominent (at least to me – though note I am an overanalytical and self-critical person, so I’m probs inclined to be overly sensitive to them). Not only that, but the values are things that I already consider particularly important – along the multidimensional plane of my values, EF’s/FABRIC’s prominent values are ones that I already ascribe a lot of importance to. I already want to be a high-agency, creative person that does cool side projects. (Of course, there’s selection bias – I’m drawn to activities/jobs that align with values I consider important). There’s also a gap between how I want to live in accordance with my values, and how I actually am living, which obviously is a source of dissatisfaction.2
So there’s a perfect storm of my prior weighting of values like agency and creativity, me working in roles that place very high emphasis on such values (because I’m naturally drawn to them), and then me getting tunnel vision and viewing everything reductively through the lens of those values. I then evaluate myself and others through those values.
For FABRICites, this might remind you, somewhat obliquely, of the “ladders”3 that people can climb in their lives from Dr Gravitas’ “What’s stopping you?” class – I highly recommend everyone read it. For EFers who’ve talked to JR, this might remind you, also somewhat obliquely, of his discussion of how people spend their lives playing structured and unstructured games. In this case, FABRIC/EF themselves represent “ladders”/unstructured games to be climbed/played – and that can become all-consuming and a source of real dissatisfaction, feelings of impostor syndrome, etc.
Sorry this is all so bloody abstract. I think I’ve just constructed these frameworks/memes in my head, and they seem coherent & comprehensible to me bc I’ve spent so long thinking about them and viewing the world through them – but I appreciate to someone just reading my thoughts vomited onto the page it probably seems rambling and byzantine ☧.
Basically I just feel like agency, creativity and startuppiness are paramount at EF, and I care about doing well at EF because there are nice people I admire there! And they do something that I think is important! And I spend the majority of my working hours with people at EF, cos it’s my job. I want to do well and impress people there, so I get swept along by the feeling that I really need to optimise for the values promulgated by EF.4 And when I inevitably fall short, I can sometimes feel a bit shit about it (especially in my moments of emotional fragility). It’s funny, I started writing this when I was really feeling a bit shit about it all. But now, I’m at home, surrounded by family and feeling good, and while I’m vibing intellectually with what I’m writing and I know it is a truthful representation of how I feel when I’m feeling shit about my work at EF, I currently don’t feel shit at all.
I think another, less abstract feeling of inadequacy comes from the fact that I’m new to the job, and there’s a lot I don’t understand. I know this is completely natural. Maybe all of the above is just overanalysis of this simple truth lol. “Talent investing” is hard, having good directed conversations/interviews is difficult, understanding corporate finance is hard. And people who’ve been there for longer, and even new joiners, seem to have the hang of these things better than I do. I know in some cases this may not necessarily be the case. I try to take comfort in the fact that I have a different skillset to many people at EF, and it is valuable. But again, as above, this skillset (curiosity, knowledge of history, economic research and analysis, being friendly and understanding, whatever else) doesn’t seem as aligned with EF’s values as some of the apparent skillsets of others (e.g. MLA’s cracked SWE/ML background plus high startuppiness) – which can sometimes feel like my skillset isn’t valuable/is irrelevant. I know EF must have hired me for a reason, but sometimes I just feel a bit inadequate.
People like MB and MR really seem to have their heads screwed on. I know MB doesn’t know exactly what she wants out of life, but she seems very directional and intentionally writes about what she wants and how to get it. I admire this kind of explicit, directed thinking. It seems like a great way to verbalise what you want and make the intermediate steps explicit and actionable.5 Hearing that she did this very intentionally for most big choices in life and for jobs etc. made me feel a bit inadequate and clueless lol – I know that response of mine is a me problem (I should try to act on things without feeling shit about them). But at least now I’m trying to be a bit more explicit and intentional!
Sometimes, the cluelessness can feel like a bit of a curse though – people who seem super-directed can just optimise for the one or two things that they know they want, and fricking go for them. I’m not like that – I feel like I’m surfing life’s waves, serendipity-maxxing. As I said, I’m mostly fine with that, but it also sometimes means that maybe I’m not getting the most out of an experience like an internship because I’m not explicitly optimising for tangible things. Maybe if I wrote them out like Marita does, this problem would go away (and I will try this), but I’m pessimistic because I think a lot of the things are intangible or not actionable (I can’t think of any good examples right now). Maybe I just need to break things down into actionable steps, and climb down from my mental ivory tower (prison?) of abstraction and overanalysis.
By the way, I think that last sentence is why I wouldn’t make a good startup founder (at least at the moment lol) – because I like to think about things in the abstract, even write about my own, subjective mental truth, but often I’m reluctant to do shit in the real world. Because the moment your creations come into contact with reality, they become objectively evaluable.6 Was the thing you made shit? Did your startup generate revenue? Does your program work? Obviously it’s not true that I’ve never produced anything tangible/of value – I’ve worked, done research, and written factual, informative blog posts. Indeed, I’m sure I’m over the global median for creating things. But, in the circles that I’m in, and in the insecure, overanalytical ivory prison of my brain, it really doesn’t feel like it sometimes I guess. As I write this, I feel fine about it – I’m just writing out my truth with equanimity – because I’m in a good mood and I’m happy with my life’s span along all of these axes. I should bloody maintain my meditation habit.7
C.W.: “this is so so relatable. i think its been helpful to see people i really look up to also get the same criticism / still get feedback and realize that its just part of growth”
C.W.: “But you're directionally getting there, no? Like you're setting the stage for you to be able to build more / live more like you want / etc. in a way that is like, going to make that life infinitely better and more real than if you maybe just quite and did what u want now. Perhaps?”
Me: “Maybe, idk - I think life is always a question of heading in the right direction yk”
C.W.: “I think if you define a ladder for yourself, climbing that ladder is actually fine? It's too antidisestablishment to just say fuck all ladders — the ones defined by the world: corporate, academic, etc., take that ability to design it away from you. But if you figure out what are the rungs you care about and set out to climb that... it helps”
C.W.: “this is super interesting, cus I was just talking about how sometimes I might have a specific person/people I want validation from and I have this weird like crazy urge to overanalyze everything they say and really work hard. but in many ways that's much more unhealthy than the times in my life where I realize I might not care as much and instead value my on definitions of success and validation (even if it means im less "productive")”
Me: “YES! AGREED!”
C.W.: “eeke one thing also though here is if you tell the story of what you want enough times you start to believe it even if it isn't fully accurate”
“people inject false confidence sometimes too”
Me: “Lmao yes self fulfilling prophecies and goodharting suck”
C.W.: “oh god wow yeah this is such a good way of putting it. the moment you actually put something out its like showing someone your artwork and squeezing your eyes shut in the hopes that when you open them they're smiling”
Also, W. Tvattbjörn told me he still struggles with this.
Thanks to C.M. for the linked article!
V.M.: “Thank you for sending. I hope it was helpful to write all this down.
Some thoughts / comments:
1. These are normal feelings, especially in a new role
2. These feelings can be harnessed as motivation but can be detrimental
3. You have in any case identified and articulated why your impostor syndrome is not justified
4. Beware of these cultures (that you have tended to immerse yourself in), which place a quasi-religious importance on the redemptive power of innate genius or stratupiness. For one thing, many of the things that need doing in life and the world are not conceptually difficult. Just practically so. So genius is not needed. Genius, indeed, may be a hindrance. Second, genius does not bring personal fulfilment. Relationships do.
5. You have in any case identified and articulated all of this yourself, and pointed out that being A FABRIC/EF paragon is not a recipe for happiness, fulfilment, riches, innovation, salvation, or world improvement
6. You are wrong about only able to speak and do in the abstract. What you have plenty of at the moment is abstract tools. But precious little actual life experience to which to apply them. You will be afforded plenty of opportunity to get specific and concrete. You will rise admirably to the challenge, I am sure, helped in part by these tools.
7. EF is, like all ostensibly “edge” things, just a product of its time. It too will succumb in due time to the soft-focus lens of Perspective. A little skepticism and de-pedestalling is warranted.
8. These particular insecurities will fade with age, to be replaced by others. That’s just life. All are just appearances in consciousness.
9. I think you are wrong to say that you are not an entrepreneur. Our culture mythologises founders and entrepreneurs, casting them as messianic figures with some divinely gifted talent. (Indeed, being cynical, EF’s business model demands that this myth be cultivated). All bollocks. Tenacity, salesmanship and an eye on income and outgoings is “all” it takes. These skills are far from innate and can be learned and practised.”